IN MY HEAD - NO.3 - BACK ON PLEASANT BAY - JULY 2026

This visit had two parts – the first was a quiet 3 days to celebrate my birthday with my family.  My husband came up with me from NYC and my brother and his wife came down from Maine.  We enjoyed kayaking on Pleasant Bay and a classic cape dinner at the nearby restaurant.  

The next day, my husband and I drove up to Boston for brunch with my mother and her husband.  These visits are hard for me – to see my once super active, vibrant mother confined to a wheelchair with unpredictable abilities to speak and remember.  

She knows me – her eyes light up when she sees me.  Sometimes, though, she won’t talk.  I might ask her if she’s going to speak to me on this visit and she usually says, “yes”.  I’ll remind her that she hasn’t spoken yet and she’ll shrug her shoulders as if to tell me that she didn’t have anything to say yet.  

I try to visit every 3-4 weeks and miss her achingly when I can’t get up for a visit.  In my dreams, she is still beautiful and active.  She would never leave the house without “putting her face on” – full make up.  And she would always stop by the full-length mirror in our hall and turn to each side to make sure she looked together and “thin” before heading out to the car.  If she knew what she looked like now, I know she would be horrified – perhaps the silver lining of dementia is that she has no idea.  

I dropped my husband at the train station and headed back to the cape.  My brother and his wife were still there and it was fun to have a lively dinner with lots of laughs before they headed back to Maine.

The second part of this trip was 12 days of work!  

As I continued to peel through the layers of our family life in the house, I found many markings of my mother.  She collected pitchers – she took most of them when she and my father divorced – but a few remain and make me smile when I find one.

This visit has indeed been different – only a little teary and more focused on the next chapter for both me and the house.   I have ruled out selling this house – our spot is too special – and even more so as so many of the formerly wooded areas around town are now dotted with new homes. 

My children both love it and have their own fond memories of being here. They look forward to making new memories here with their future families.  

Knowing this, it has been easier to clear out everything that is not meaningful to me and no longer serves anyone. I am focused on making the house more comfortable – not fancy, just functional. 

I feel freer and more able to embrace all the things I love about being here.  This time, I started using it.  I mean, leaning into all the house and place has to offer.  I have my morning coffee on my bench overlooking the bay.  I run with my dog on wooded trails nearby.  I play golf at an amazing course less than 2 miles away.  And, I now have a new bicycle to ride along the Rail Trail.  

The summer after I finished business school was the last time I lived here – I had a few months free before the start of my job.  

I remember that time clearly – I would get up, go for a run, and jump directly into the ocean to cool off before heading back for a beach chair and my book – from there, to Nauset to swim in the huge waves and wander the expansive beach.  In the afternoon, I would head out for a long bike ride – then collapse into the hammock to read before dinner.  

It was such a lovely time – no school or job to worry about – just enjoying time in this spot with my parents.  I long to relive those days, in new ways, in this house.

Back in NYC now, I am reading what I wrote above.   

The reason everyone asks me what I plan to do with the house is because I already have a lovely home with my husband on the Jersey shore.  We have many friends there.  We have family there.  Our children visit regularly. They bring friends.  Our life is there.  My life is there.  

I don’t need another house.  But I really love the house on Pleasant Bay.  I want to keep it.